No one at Lumberton Gravel Company saw this one coming! Chief Executive Officer Carl Bryant has written some awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction and he's included all the employees in it.
In one fifty-page story entitled "Spike and Angel Eat Sweets", the immortal vampires Angel and Spike talk about their love for Human Resources manager Donna Ludwig's cookies.
SPIKE: I bloody love these bloody cookies, Angel.
ANGEL: Yes, Spike, I would give up drinking pig's blood for more of Donna's cookies.
SPIKE: But not your soul, right, Angel?
ANGEL: Ha, Spike! You kid.
Too bad Donna will never know how her employer feels about her baking or Joss Whedon's cult television hit. She would truly know how inclusive Carl is as a company head.
In another tale, Carl details how Jim Cassidy, a sixty-five -old-driver who has been with the company for forty years, becomes best friends with Willow, Buffy's best friend who is also a witch.
JIM: Hey, Willow. I'm new to Sunnydale and I drive gravel trucks for a living. Would you like to be my best friend? I am lonely here at the Hellmouth.
WILLOW: I once controlled a truck with dark magicks when I was upset about my girlfriend Tara being shot and killed so I know how you feel. Let's go to the Bronze and hang out.
JIM: Will Buffy be jealous I'm your new best friend?
WILLOW: No, she is out killing vampires right now.
Even though Carl neglected to give him a raise last year, Jim would be so touched to see that his employer believes he can make friends with anyone. If Jim had access to his boss's password-protected folder "Boring Stuff", he would find a whole series entitled "Jim Makes Best Friends With The Scooby Gang."
And Tripp in shipping sure isn't left out. In what Carl (pseudonym XanderBuffy4Ever) has described as his "most epic Buffyverse saga yet" on his Buffy Livejournal, Tripp has a starring role has a demon who falls in love with Buffy just to be yelled at by Xander, her longtime friend who Carl believes Buffy should have ended up with.
TRIPP: Buffy, I may have an addiction to eating cats and I may have killed a few of your friends, but I think we would kiss real nice.
BUFFY: I am with Xander now, Tripp! You know that! You can see me hugging him right now.
XANDER: Go away Tripp!
(Tripp walks away sadly. Buffy and Xander kiss for five minutes and then smile at each other.)
BUFFY: I need to stake a vampire now or cut off its head. When I am horny and sad, vampire slaying is my favorite thing to do.
Gosh, Tripp will never know how much of a rock star he is. If only he knew that Carl's fanfiction user group voted him "Best Original Character" for three years in a row. That would surely make the pains of being laid off next week better.
Cecile Garcia is a writer and editor with an eye for detail and an ear for voice.
Cecile Garcia is a writer and editor with an eye for detail and an ear for voice.