1. Kip Allington of New Bedford, Massachusetts - Check out this hottie! Kip loves the Patriots, his nephews, and his new job on a scallop boat. Kip's smooth, but somewhat sensitive skin may be compared to Cupid's baby bottom, but once Poseidon, God of the Sea, brews up a salty sea spray on that trespasser of his domain, no moisturizer will improve Kip's horrendously chapped cheeks.
2. Hamish Weatherly of West Palm Beach, Florida - Silver fox Hamish may be pushing seventy but he still plays racquetball, takes dance lessons, and casts a line into the Atlantic. But his busy social life won't last for long! Not when Poseidon leaps from the surf, his iron fist seizing Hamish's fish hook and hurling it back into one of his Paul Newman-esque eyeballs. Say goodbye to your appearances at the Rotary Club Tango Nights, Hamish, you sly seadog!
3. Carl Weaver of Kodiak, Alaska - Carl is no stranger to the rigors of the ocean - and boy does he have the biceps to prove it! Thousands of halibut and cod have died before his hazel eyes. Carl is safe on the Pacific's blue waters but once he rests within his bed on land - behold the Earth-Shaker manifesting sexy Carl's doom! Poseidon, Brother of Zeus and Hades, forces the land to rumble until Carl slips from twixt his sheets to gash his flawless nose upon his bedside table. Good luck on Tinder now, Carl!
4. Laurence Chattingham of Bridgeport, Connecticut - Yummy. Check out that flowing blonde hair. No man looks better in boat shoes and chinos than Laurence. When he takes a break from his hedge fund, he can be found scoping the seas for a sweet marlin. But even when he's relaxing at the club, he's not safe from Poseidon's wrath. Just as he chooses a lobster for lunch, a mighty wave appears in the aquarium with Poseidon cresting it, screaming, "Attack lobster, attack!" He pinches with the lobster's claws and scratches Laurence's Jude Law-like features. Guess who's off the Most Eligible Billionaire Bachelors list this year?
5. and 6. Lucas and George Fuerte of Santa Fe, New Mexico - These hunky twins love fly fishing with their dad, Manny, on the San Juan River over a long weekend. They may think they are safe from the scourges of the ocean in their desert state, but Poseidon, Protector of Sea Anemones and Bottle-Nosed Dolphins, also loves to camp. And the Lord of Plankton can't stand to look at such perfection doubled while he's trying to enjoy a damn s'more. He rises above the Fuerte family's campfire, stabbing each man's face with a tine of his golden trident. Down, Lucas of the full lip! Down, George of the raven-colored hair! Down, Manny, of the ugly face and ability to woo much prettier women!
7. Daniel Walker of Oberlin, Ohio - What a DILF! Danny loves his daughters, Lucy and Rose, who fish with him in the pond out in their backyard. But Poseidon hates that adorable family-loving shit. Just as Danny helps little Lucy catch a guppy, the God of Large to Medium-Sized Bodies of Water erupts forth commanding a chariot of seahorses and brews a storm up while the Walker family cowers in fear. The mad god shrieks, "Jellyfish, attack! Sow my vengeance upon his chiseled brow!" A tornado of jellyfish whip their tentacles in a fury upon Danny's forehead. Lucy and Rose run away screaming at the horror their father's face has become. Poseidon cackles, "That fish is mine, interloper!!!" You really messed up that family Christmas card, Danny!